Whose Voice?

Notes and Confessions Lent 2022

 I recall the first time I read something by Maya Angelou. It was in 7th or 8th grade. I was struck by her description of an elderly Black woman's skin, purple black and delicate like a ripe plum. (That's how I remember it, anyway.) Now, 40-some years later, I wonder if that was the first time I'd read a black writer in class. 

I stopped blogging some years ago in part because I wondered about my voice being necessary. I'd become very aware of the dominance of white voices in every medium. My stumbling attempts at talking about race,well, stumbled. 

If I play the gay card for having an under-represented voice, well, how far does that take me? Of the gay voices that you know, how many are white? On top of that, as I age, just being gay is not that interesting, not when there are other, I'll say queerer voices to be heard? I'm that gay writer that has been told by gay editors that my work wasn't gay enough for their publication or press. My gay card has a low credit limit.

Does the world really need another Christian writer? 

And yet I have this urge to write. I've been writing more again, recently, and it gives me joy. I'm maybe even publishing a wee bit more, but it's not what some would call a career. Still, I'm a writer. As I often have said, I'd stop it if I could. 

Some years ago, someone read a piece I wrote and they remarked something like, "I hear your quiet gentle voice in your writing." My first reaction was, "no one wants a quiet gentle voice! How do I market that?" But it's true, I realized, and I've leaned into it. Most of my attempts at writing "edgy" or . . . more loudly has mostly come out flat and hollow. (Can something be flat and hollow? Let's assume it can.) I'm a quiet person with a quiet voice. 

But does that help anyone? 

More importantly, does it make room for other, less represented voices? 

Maybe it does, since it's not loud. And maybe for those who want a quieter voice, here I am. 

Anyway, this is why I stopped blogging a couple of years ago. Another gay white guy of a certain age blogging "insights" . . . yawn.

This is what I've really wanted to write about this lent, but look at it. It's kind of whiny and, well, white.

I'm writing because I have the urge, maybe even a need. Dare I call it a vocation? 

That's one of the confessions I wanted to make this lent. I have this need to write and I see no need for another white voice in the cacophony of voices. 

Maybe there will be need for my voice when I'm dead.