That Kind

 Notes & Confessions/Lent 2022

Some years ago, I tried to develop a performance piece that went something like this. 

I wanted a group of physically/visually diverse people and a microphone.The performers would circulate to the microphone and say a sentence that followed this format:

I'm a ______, but not that kind of ______. 

It might be as simple as: I'm a man, but not that kind of man. Various kinds of identifiers would be used, gender, sexuality, race, nationality, family member (father, mother, sister, brother, etc.) but I also wanted some unexpected, absurd identifiers. I remember one being "I'm an anesthesiologist, but not that kind of anesthesiologist." 

This never got beyond a couple of workshop trials. It seemed to be a little opaque to most people, though one workshop participant finally said something like, "It's almost as if you're playing with stereotypes or expectations." 

DING! DING! DING! Hold the calls, we have a winner! (Do anesthesiologists have stereotypes?)

But anyway, I never found the right setting for this, much less the right cast of performers. 

It's somewhat related to the notion of someone being a "real ______" or "not a real ______." Like t-shirts that proclaim, "Real men eat tofu" or someone pointing to certain churches and saying, "those aren't real Christians." 

I've been all over this kind of thinking. I can fully say "I'm a Christian, but not that kind of a Christian," or "I'm a white guy but not that kind of white guy," or "I'm a gay man but not that kind of gay man." 

Except, of course, when I am. 

Because whether I'm a "real man" or a "real Christian" or a "real writer," I can think of traits of all those that I'd like to be but am not. To paraphrase St. Paul, the kind of Christian I'd like to be, I am not and the kind of Christian I don't want to be, I am. Sometimes. Often. 

These identifies all come prejudged by someone. As much as I want to be "the good kind," I know even when I meet my own definition of what that might be, it will not be someone else's definition of it. 

And if this does anything for me, I hope it makes me humble enough to NOT say, "I'm not that kind." 

That's the kind I'd like to be.