Cultivating

 Notes and Confessions Lent 2022

It was another Spiritual Director day. We covered no little ground, as we do, but I was expressing some dissatisfaction with, oh, life in general and I can't remember what he asked specifically now, but something about my spiritually and how I move in the world. Maybe he referred specifically to how I'll talk about the changing of the seasons, what's blooming, the temperature, and I agreed it was my ability to notice creatures on my walks, to notice buds (leaves or flowers) on plants that gives my life meaning when I'm otherwise feeling low. 

But then I paused and said, "I cultivate this, though. I make a point of doing it. This is how I cultivate wonder and awe and joy." 

I think this goes back to what I posted about a few weeks ago (after my last session with the SD), the notion that we chose our values. I think we, to some extent, choose wonder. We maybe have some ability to decide what captures our attention, what we will look at and draw joy from it. I mean, we all have our predilections, but like a talent, it can be cultivated. Or like a skill, we can learn it even if it doesn't come naturally. 

Maybe? 

I also find myself saying sometimes that I have a broad aesthetic, that I can encounter a broad range of art styles and take something from them all. I also recently realized I've cultivated this, too. If I hadn't sought out and puzzled over and studied contemporary art, I'd probably still be declaring only representational art is "real art" or "high art" or some other designation that I no longer believe in. That's not to say I don't have preferences and personal tastes (I much prefer spending an evening with modern dance over ballet, for example), but I've also decided to not dismiss other human creativity. 

Maybe that's it. A decision to not dismiss? A decision to take in? 

Obviously, I'm still puzzling over this. I can make counterarguments before I get to the end of each sentence. 

I do believe, though, in the cultivation of wonder, awe, joy, a broad aesthetic. It sometimes makes me feel out of step with the culture at large, which seems to me to too often choose judgment and boredom. I have those, too. I am a part of this culture as much as anyone. I may even have some predilection towards judgment, for sure. 

I suppose the point is that I work to weed out (to continue the gardening metaphor) judgment and cultivate the wonder. 

My garden's a mess. Don't look at it for a model. Just noting. I believe in cultivating wonder. I shall continue to do it.