Sunday, March 6, 2016

Remembering Death 7 - Another Anonymous

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." [Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life]

I just deleted a long entry that I'd spent a while writing and then realized I couldn't write it in full honesty without unleashing some anger at people who don't really deserve it. At least not all of them. 

I thought I could write around it, the ways that I felt my attempts to grieve a particular person were stymied and disallowed. I thought I could write around the ways I felt the people who should have been grieving with me moved on without further mention of the deceased. I thought I had let go of the ways that I felt like someone I loved had been erased. 

I guess I was wrong. 

And despite the oft-quoted bit from Anne Lamott above, I'm not quite at the place where I can write about hurts that will, ultimately, only spread the hurt. 

So I remember this unnamed friend and the hurt I still feel about how the ways I wanted to honor her were blocked. I remember her and know that others remember her and warmly and that's good and holy. I remember her and am reminded, as I have throughout this series, that not everyone is loved equally and so is not remembered and grieved equally. Maybe one thing I'm learning as I write this series is the importance of finding the people who are grieving like you, who are allowing the naming of the deceased, and are willing to find ways to honor the memory in satisfying, hopeful, resurrection ways. 

And the people who blocked and silenced my grief can be thankful I don't follow Anne Lamott's advice.

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